I feel like I've been swallowed by the sea and spit back out. Spending hours and hours being tossed to and fro by the waves. Looking all around me and finding no land in sight.
It's as if I am looking around the corner seconds after you were there. I am wandering around waiting for you to reappear. There is a finality to death, but that realization is sometimes delayed by the fact that there is this tiny voice in the back of our heads asking "How can they really be gone? They're not gone." You are gone. You have left us only with the memories of your kind and gentle spirit. I kick myself because deep down I know that you would think we're so silly for being heartbroken, but we can't help it. We are having to learn how to walk again after we just lost a leg. You were a part of our hearts, and now that you are gone, we are having to figure out how to survive with a hole in our heart. Yes there will be better days. I know that, because death is no stranger to my world. I don't care about being rational tonight. I just care about how I'm feeling right at this moment, and that is lost. I am feeling totally and completely lost.
Okay, it's not what you think... Haha how many times have you heard a sentence start out that way? I am going to try and do a "Woman Crush" every week and really show attributes or characteristics of the type of woman that I would like to be and the type of wife/mother that I would want to strive to be like. Just bear with me and let me test it out. If it flops, it flops!
"But nothing remains the same. I'll be lost without you, until the last of days."
Honestly, I think that song perfectly sums up my feelings tonight. Luckily, Pandora knew just what I needed. (I could also use some sleeping pills but I'm not so sure Pandora can help with that one.) It's hard to feel complete joy and utter sadness at the same time. I didn't believe that it was possible..but it is.
My Monday wasn't too bad, but I bet it could've been better. I didn't feel like I was very productive and I kept getting distracted.
<-- Seriously, I don't know why I have never thought of that before! You should know a little bit about my "birthday ritual" to understand why everyday would just be amazing if I started living by that quote.
About 3 days prior to my birthday I create the "Birthday Playlist". For those How I Met Your Mother fans, think of this playlist as Barney's "Get Psyched" CD. (Now you know why this is a great birthday idea)
I try and ALWAYS ask off of work for the day. Even if I don't have any plans, it just makes the day feel a little different and maybe even special? (Yeah so I would probably not be able to do this on a daily basis...)
I go buy a new outfit JUST for that day. (Are you starting to figure out what a "Princess" I am?) But honestly, this just makes me feel good about myself! It's never something fancy. Just something that says "Hey it's my Birthday and I'm fabulous!"
I think those are the only things that I consistently make sure to do year after year. After examining my list, I realize that maybe I shouldn't take that quote quite so literally. I do think that it has the right concept. If I woke up everyday and thought "YES TODAY IS MY DAY!" how much more would I get accomplished? I would be in a much better mood (especially on Monday's) and I feel like I would be more patient.
My goal this week and my challenge for you is to wake up like it's your birthday. Just see what happens. It might help your mood. It might help you to be nicer to that annoying co-worker who works at the desk next to you and never shuts up. Or, it might just make you grumpy in which case, I would advise you to not have this outlook on your life.