Today is October 15th, the national day to recognize pregnancy and infant loss. I can't imagine the thoughts that go through those moms heads when they think back to their angel babies. I have had the pleasure to know many strong women who have gone through this and have been able to come out on the other side. They are such an inspiration to me. |
August 24th: It was a Sunday and Alex and I were on our way to lunch with some church friends. Somehow our conversation got turned to me being "late" that month. I didn't even realize I was. We had been SO busy with all kinds of things going on so it just kinda slipped my mind. Since we were already going to the store I figured I would pick up a test just to see what it would say. We went and had an awesome lunch and then headed home for our usual Sunday lazy day. I got home and put on a movie and decided that I would go ahead and take a test since I had nothing better to do.
You see that line? Yeah. We saw it too. From that second, I became a mom. Our lives flashed before my eyes and now that it had finally happened, we had actually made a HUMAN, I was a little freaked. Alex and I had been the type of people that always just "go with the flow". We were the couple saying, "if it happens, it happens". Well by George, it happened. That night at church we kept sneaking glances at each other and would smile or give a little wink because we had a secret. |
That next day we went over to Mark and Stacey's to do laundry or something. We had now been parents-to-be for a full day, and we were LOVING it! Our little jelly bean was already so loved and it had only been a day. Alex and I figured we would go ahead and tell his parents since his dad's a doctor and all, but we walked out the door and neither of us had said anything! As soon as we walked out, we turned around, pulled up the picture on my phone, walked back in and said "umm, we might be pregnant." So much for that big reveal I had been planning on Pinterest! We hugged and laughed and talked, and then decided that we would do blood work the next day to confirm it and see where we were at. Since I work at Mark's office, all the girls immediately found out what test he was ordering, so the cat was out of the bag! I was anxious for some reason to get the blood test done. I had taken another urine test that morning and it was negative. (I wrote it off as, it wasn't the same brand, probably wasn't as sensitive) I got the blood test done and had to wait until 7:30 am for my results to finally come through.
<2 was what the test said. <5 means the test is negative. No matter how early we caught our little bean, it seemed as though it had now passed..
I tried really hard to put on the brave face. "Oh well, maybe that positive was just a false positive or something." "Eh it's alright, Alex doesn't even have a permanent job so..." No matter how many times I repeated these things, I was still heart broken. My OB/GYN didn't really have an answer as to what happened. She threw out the term "Chemical Pregnancy" which basically means a crazy early miscarriage. In the end, it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason.
I know that my story isn't as brutal as those women who have lost their babies after seeing them on the sonogram, or meeting them in real life. But it still brought me pain. It still makes my heart hurt sometimes. Fortunately, it made me grow in my faith. It made me realize how much we prayed for that little bean to stick and how much more I should be praying daily.
And for that, I'll be forever grateful.
<2 was what the test said. <5 means the test is negative. No matter how early we caught our little bean, it seemed as though it had now passed..
I tried really hard to put on the brave face. "Oh well, maybe that positive was just a false positive or something." "Eh it's alright, Alex doesn't even have a permanent job so..." No matter how many times I repeated these things, I was still heart broken. My OB/GYN didn't really have an answer as to what happened. She threw out the term "Chemical Pregnancy" which basically means a crazy early miscarriage. In the end, it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason.
I know that my story isn't as brutal as those women who have lost their babies after seeing them on the sonogram, or meeting them in real life. But it still brought me pain. It still makes my heart hurt sometimes. Fortunately, it made me grow in my faith. It made me realize how much we prayed for that little bean to stick and how much more I should be praying daily.
And for that, I'll be forever grateful.